Loop Humor: We Are the Champions

Becky Brown explains how Kansas City wins all the awards

It’s pretty cool to live in a city that’s won a World Series and two Super Bowls in the last eight years. But KC is more than sports — much more. With our people, food, history, surroundings and general awesomeness, our beloved Cowtown could win roughly a gazillion other brackets, championships, contests, scavenger hunts, what have you.

In this spirit of celebration and love for Kansas City, I present to you just a handful of the other awards that KC could — nay, should — win. Clearly, this list is the product of grueling investigation and statistical analysis.

Like all research of integrity, it must be noted that the author has no financial nor personal involvement in any of the organizations studied herein. Also? I omitted all barbecue-related contests because KC barbecue is the best and why would anyone even question that. Duh.

“The Reserved Space”: Celebrating the Spirit of the American Parking Garage

This is definitely a niche accolade that you haven’t heard of. But the people need to acknowledge parking excellence! Not many cities can claim a garage that’s both a tourist attraction and an architectural award winner. But the KC Central Library parking garage in the heart of Downtown is all that. Plus? It’s just a really nice place to park.

Outcome: All other parking garages withdraw from consideration and unanimously crown our library garage The Reserved Space GOAT. New award statuettes will be designed in the inspired likeness of our beloved bookshelf.

“Givingest Giving City That Gives Gifts”

You might remember how, after our latest Super Bowl win (cough, cough), Chiefs fans donated more than $120,000 to Eagles center Jason Kelce’s charity. It sounds super sweet, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. After all, last year, Chiefs Kingdom donated to Bills quarterback Josh Allen’s favorite charity. More than $175,000 went to the Buffalo children’s hospital, $13 at a time. The gifts memorialized how Patrick Mahomes needed just 13 seconds to send the AFC divisional round game into overtime. (And yes, we eventually won.)

But again, it’s not just sports. Julia Irene Kauffman saw a need and addressed it in truly spectacular fashion. And when the Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts opened, she met visitors and shook hands for hours. Granted, this was pre-COVID. But shaking hands for hours? That’s the heart of a champion. Give this woman a medal — and a gallon of hand sanitizer.

KC is filled with unheralded acts of generosity. Whether you’re packing food at Harvesters or letting someone merge on The Loop, this award is for you. I’m hoping that buying extra boxes of Girl Scout cookies counts, too.

Outcome: Everyone wins.

“The Divey,” Honoring Achievement in Dive Bar Excellence

This prestigious award (that I just made up) exalts those establishments that go above and beyond in being lowdown and awesome. If you’ve ever cuddled up in a vinyl booth or fallen off a barstool, you know what I’m talking about.

Kansas City offers a delightful variety of adult beverage institutions where one can just show up and hang out. These aren’t dumps at all — hush your mouth. They are locals where, well, the locals convene. Celebrations, drowning sorrows and imbibing because it’s Tuesday all happen here.

I’ve crunched the numbers. The Pabst Blue Ribbon, Stag and Hamm’s beer finders all identify a veritable plethora of KC vendors. Whether you grab a frosty at The Brick or a tall boy at Zoo Bar, you’re part of a proud history of Kansas Citians knowing how and where to take a load off. Y’all? We have good bars.

Outcome: Kansas City takes home the Divey Lifetime Achievement Award. Every year.

“World’s Largest, Bestest Canvas”

It’s Kansas City! With more than 200 murals located throughout the metro, KC is chock full of color and killer Insta backdrops. We’ve got your cartoon-style characters, your Raised Royal hometown pride and your historic images. We’ve even got a Lewis and Clark mural with secret messages, so look beyond that giant thumbs-up next time you’re in the River Market.

Outcome: Unless some adorable kids show up with the world’s largest roll of butcher paper and a ton of art supplies, KC wins, hands down. Or we take their project and hang it on the side of a building … and we still win.

“Best Hometown of a President Whose Middle Initial Stands for … Not an Official Middle Name”

Fun fact: Seventeen presidents have not had middle names. Pretty boring, really, especially when you consider some of the presidents who did have middle names. Glorious middle names. Warren Gamaliel Harding, anyone? Rutherford Birchard Hayes?

But only one president’s lack of a middle name has incited arguments and punctuation wars. That’s our very own Harry S. Truman. (Yes, technically he’s from Independence, but we all claim him.)

According to the Truman Library, Harry’s parents chose the initial S to honor his grandfathers, Anderson Shipp Truman and Solomon Young. He did not have a middle name — just the initial. Sometimes Harry used a period after the S, sometimes he didn’t. The Chicago Manual of Style evidently reprimanded the president, stating the period should be used “for convenience and consistency.” But Mizzou journalism students were instructed to write it without the period. Either way? The buck stops with Harry.

Outcome: KC wins, 45 other presidential hometowns lose.

City vs. City Punctuation-based Rumble

Wanna fight out by the bike racks after school? It is ON. KC takes on Chicago over the aforementioned Harry S Truman/Harry S. Truman brouhaha. Does Chicago have its own widely used and respected manual of style and therefore go into the fight with an obvious advantage? Yes. But does Kansas City sport a scrappy attitude and take care of its own and encourage its native sons and daughters to punctuate their names as they see fit? Also yes.

Outcome: We love Chicago. But KC is gonna win. As we do.

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